Women and money
Women, we have a problem. And the biggest part of it is we’re made to hate money.
We shy away from valuing ourselves. It is often the reason why the first offer on the salary negotiation table is the one we accept. The concept of women and money being allies is odd.
Our relationship can be seen in countless places where financial targets come in the form of wishes, soft targets or simply no target at all. We say sorry for wanting money. We feel uncomfortable around other women when they suffer no such apology.
The mere thought of asking for a salary review, a raise or paying ourselves a better rate in self-employment is met with excuses. The barriers come up. The ideas of making trouble, standing out, being perceived as greedy or even as a bitch make us fearful. Heck, they even silence us.
Our relationship with money is unhealthy and unwarranted. We need to stop hating the money and re-frame the conversation. Here’s how.
The first step is admitting there is a problem
As we’ve spoken about before, we know there is a gender wage gap. That doesn’t mean we have to accept every offer given. Yet so many women feel like wage negotiation is like learning an entirely new language.
In a lot of respects, we are speaking another language. A language that says we’re not worthy. Or that we risk making waves if we ask for what we want. It’s a self-talk that questions our abilities and refuses to allow us to see the full extent of what we have learned.
The first step to getting comfortable with money is recognising there might be a problem.
Think about your relationship with accounting and financial literacy.
- When does your salary become something you consider? Is the only time you think of your salary when it comes time to do tax?
- Do you have regular goals written down that you adhere to when it comes to saving?
- Is your saving based on goal-orientated moments in time (e.g. new car, a holiday)? What happens once the goal is reached?
- What is your situation in relation to large-scale purchases such as your mortgage?
While some of us find numbers dull and dry, putting into place some regular routines and check-in points with your financial situation via goals helps drive desire for money. It also helps us understand our current and future financial situations better. And that can lead to greater determination and action.
Self-reflection leads to a wage correction
Women seem to feel the need to apologise for liking money. You could say the relationship between women and money is often dysfunctional. Yet it is a tool like any other. It’s how you use it that counts. As women, we face some unique challenges with money. We cannot afford to misread the relationship.
Have you ever sat down and asked yourself how you feel about money? A lot of us carry baggage about money, especially if we’ve been raised in family backgrounds with a leaning towards scarcity.
Think about the deep, subconscious roots you have growing into your everyday life from your financial attitudes. Are they rooted in fear or positivity? Are they healthy?
Let’s see.
- Reflect on your parent’s attitudes to money. What do you remember of the way they treated financial decisions in the household?
- How did they respond to money and financial situations?
- How were you raised to feel about people with money, especially women?
- Have you adopted these attitudes in your life?
- What aspects of these attitudes promote a healthy relationship with money?
- What should you leave aside?
Once we understand the deep taproots of our early experiences with the idea of women earning money, we can also look for proactive ways to change our financial narrative.
Guilt by association
It’s true that we often find friends of the same political persuasion often in our friendship groups. It is also true that we often find ourselves with the same reflection in our socio-economic level.
If you hang around women and money is a hard topic to speak about in front of them, it becomes difficult to change your own situation. If you have friends that believe that liking money is unhealthy, it can be tough to have healthy processes of your own. This might stymie vital conversations related to salary negotiation or influence the kinds of advice they may give you about investing, purchases you make and future financial decisions.
If you have friends that spend a lot of money without concern for the future, this can also be reflected in how we too operate. For example, some women find that they spend beyond their means to keep up with their friend’s desire for great holidays, lavish nights out and shopping adventures. This can lead to escalating credit card and personal loan debt.
If find that because your values differ, you find it difficult gaining the sounding boards and support you need.
- When was the last time you had a comfortable conversation with your friends about your finances and/or financial future?
- Do you find that you make decisions related to money and spending you later regret when in certain company?
- How would you describe each of your friend’s and their relationship with money and finances?
- Is how you feel about their financial situation positive or negative? Why?
Necessity is the mother of invention
Look at your kids, your lifestyle, the dog, your handbag collection- whatever you love that you have in your possession and would hate to lose.
Now think about yourself as what you are- a human being. We can’t tell the future. In a world where work is increasingly insecure coupled with the fact we can have an accident or illness that leads to disability or prolonged recuperation, it’s important to have a backup plan.
We’re also a woman operating in the world where global financial crisis can reduce our ability to obtain work. Having some strong skills together with a great plan and financial buffer makes life a lot easier. Plan to not have to use your plan, if you will and kick the women and money cringe to the corner.
- Have you got money set aside for emergencies and other situations that you can access?
- Are you adding more than required to your superannuation?
- Are you tracking your super’s progress?
- What would happen to your financial situation if you were laid-off unexpectedly or found you had to deal with a long illness or accident recovery?
While these sorts of questions feel uncomfortable, answering them well means better health and wellbeing for your family if issues strike.
Going deeper still on women and money
What’s the point of having a great paying job if you find yourself living pay to pay?
When we are unhappy or unfulfilled, we can and do act in ways to make ourselves feel better. In a lot of people, especially women, this relates to spending money we might not otherwise spend.
A lot of people that don’t like their work spend the money they make on items. We spend a lot on “thank God it’s Friday!” soul-cleansing activities. And it’s deeply entrenched and recognised in our popular culture.
The Sex and the City women assuaged their broken relationships and bad days with cocktails, shopping and everyday luxuries.
Think of all the women’s memes about the love of shopping and the irresistibility of a sale. The shoes, the clothes, the fabulousness. The social life and the fancy dinners, the big holidays and the cocktails. These are the messages that are regularly projected and accepted by society.
How useful is it though when you want a nice wedding, to see the world or to buy your dream home? Or if you’d love to be able to make enough money to follow your dream career, activate a side hustle or return to study?
- Do you like the job you are in or is it only a means to an end?
- Are your spending patterns OK with you or would you like to save more money?
- What are your long term financial goals?
- Why are your grateful for the money you earn?
Your relationship with money should be healthy. It is a tool that you have in your career toolbox. It doesn’t call the shots or determine your self-worth. If you want to stop ducking the issue of money or having a relationship that doesn’t serve you anymore, I can help. It’s time to say goodbye to the women and money issue.
